I received an email late one evening last week and the contents of it still continue to resonate. The email had come from a young girl who I’ll name Zoe for the purposes of this narrative. Zoe had contacted me because she had been looking into the work of Ragdolls UK. I set up Ragdolls in 2013 because as a sufferer or Turner’s Syndrome I felt it was important to help my TS sisters find the support they needed. The condition occurs in 1 in about 2500 females across the world but there are still so many who haven’t heard of it and when you are diagnosed with the unknown it can be terrifying. Zoe was one such young woman.
Diagnosed at sixteen, Zoe was told from a young age all the things she wouldn’t be able to do. In her email to me she stated that she ‘felt like a freak’ through school and felt like she wouldn’t be able to do any of the things ‘normal’ girls do. Then there’s that word that drives fear in many TS women – infertility.
She reached out to me and I was incredibly proud that she did so. As a woman who has never focused on what I can’t do and aimed for the stars I have always encouraged my TS sisters to value themselves and their contributions to society no matter what barriers health issues may throw up. Most importantly the work of Ragdolls UK is to encourage to achieve potential. My TS sisters are some of the most caring, loving, intelligent and delightfully creative women I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.
There are challenges to face living with a condition like Turner’s Syndrome but that’s why we work together and support one another.
I am glad Zoe saw fit to tell me her story because if just one girl realises there is support out there for her it makes it all worth it.
A huge thanks to all who support Ragdolls UK. We are making a difference.
I’ve had many strange dreams throughout my life. Maybe it’s the symptom of having an over active imagination. If you follow me on Twitter you may have heard me discuss this (@VivikaWidow).
The dream world has always fascinated me. Those little stories that your mind tells you as you sleep can be vivid and memorable. They can be akin to some of the best experiences of your real world and they can also make you realise worst. Since I’m a lover of all things macabre I’m going to take a look at some of the darker moments I have experienced in the dream world.
Yes you read that right. The earliest dream I can remember must have occurred when I was about six or seven. In the dream I had heard my mum wildly exclaiming at the news. (In real life this was no rare occurrence. She was an excitable sort). She was crying to my dad to get me away from. Whatever was on the news would be too much for my childish sensibilities. It didn’t work though. I saw the report. In the news report the journalist was discussing the spread of an unexplained phenomenon that was effecting children just like me. The footage showed a large spider in a box. This spider was unusual in that it had the head of a child. His name had been Ricky before. Now he was spider boy and not in a friendly neighbourhood spidey kind of way.
This was so upsetting for me. However, before I could process anything this dream was telling me I found myself at an indoor carnival. Who doesn’t hate clowns, right? I just happened to have watched Stephen King’s IT at the time and my elder brothers, the darlings that they were, told me Pennywise hid in my closet and waited for me to go to sleep so he could eat me. So as fun as this carnival was with all the lights, music and rides I was deeply concerned. I was on my own. I was lost. Then I saw a clown. (He was remarkably like Pennywise – no surprise). He was handing some candyfloss to a little girl with blonde pigtails and little pink glasses. The clown turned his attention on me. I knew better. My brothers had warned me so I ran away. I didn’t want any of his damn candyfloss.
Running away I stumbled into a storage room. I could hear the clown and all his clown friends looking for me. I could hear a rattle of something tapping against glass. As my eyes adjusted I could see hundreds of jars, each containing a child with a spider body. Including the little girl with pigtails!
“Come e’re!” The clown cried.
That’s when I woke up. I was so startled by this dream I was crying. It sounds like childhood fantasy now mixed with the unfortunate placement of being the youngest sibling in a household of wind up merchants.
Ducks in a row!
I was just a young teenager when I moved 200 miles away from my home to attend medical school. Needless to say it was a time of stress and big changes. It is common to experience vivid dreams during times like this.
During my first week of classes I had a dream whereby I was walking past a river and saw a group of baby ducks. A raft of ducks I believe is the proper term. These baby ducks were struggling to get back to the river so being the caring soul that I am I decided to lend a hand. I gather the ducks in my arms and start to head to water. One slips out and splats on the ground (complete with side effects and everything!). Then another slips. SPLAT! Then another. Before I know it all the ducks have splattered on the ground. With there being no real logic in dreams I scoop those splattered ducks up in my arms and still take them to the river. The ducks just fill with water …
This dream obviously speaks to my anxiety of beginning a new part of my life and moving away from home at a young age but it was really vivid at the time. It played on my mind for some time afterwards. Well, having just recounted it for you it seems it still plays on my mind …
Dreams aren’t all bad. There have been some where I’ve been rested on a beach with a bronzed hunk. There have been some where I’ve achieved impossible odds or met my idols. There have also been some where my devious sister in law has tried to send me into space or billions of years into the future. My point is, anxiety and hopes, fears and ambitions all reveal themselves in the dream world. When time comes for us to wake again it’s up to us to do decide what to do with that.
So tell me about your dreams. What’s some of the wildest you’ve had?
Speaking of nightmares … The circus is in town and there’s no coincidence home invasion robberies are on the rise.
Performers of Stoker Circus can slip in anywhere. When fresh money making opportunities are offered it may be their downfall.
This is a difficult question. After all there are so many that would have been life changing to have been around to witness. The moon landing, the abolition of slavery, great battles of old (Bannockburn anyone?) but to chose but one you would have to consider which event draws your attention most. Perhaps it’s because this event had a huge impact on your own life. Perhaps it’s because it’s the one that simply fascinates you more than others. Taking all these things into consideration I think I would have to choose seeing Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ being played at the Globe Theatre for the first time.
Five years after the plague had closed theaters, The Globe took shape and performances of some of Shakespeare’s most notable works were played there. I choose Hamlet in particular because it is one of my personal favourites. It also has the tragic events of his son’s death and that of his father surrounding it so as a writer it stirs my morbid imagination with the dark beauty that the play became.
As a young child I was a bit of an odd ball. (I know, shocking, right?). I would much rather read than play games with the other children and the library was always my favourite place. One particularly gruelling day of primary school I was losing myself in books as usual when I came across a copy of Hamlet. As I opened it up and began to read I was completely overwhelmed with awe in the daring story telling, the dark ambience and those immortal words, “TO BE OR NOT TO BE.”
I was completely besotted just finding a dusty old copy of the play in the library. I can imagine the thrill of stepping into the Globe with the backdrop of London at that time and having the play brought to life by the actors as the Bard himself intended. Not to be all fan girl or anything but it was surely a thing of beauty to behold.
Honourable mention has to go to some historical events that do have a huge impact on my life. Women being given the right to vote is a victory that would have been amazing to have witnessed. It paved the way for little old me to make her way in the world and I am eternally grateful to the ones who made that happen. The work of Dr Henry Turner who first described Turner’s Syndrome in 1938 which is a cause close to my heart and opened up a beautiful sisterhood for me and other TS women.
So what would your choice be? If you could bear witness to a historical event which one would you choose?
Enjoy this? Check out these thrillers available now!
On a Sunday evening I have a whole host of rituals I go through to make my week ahead more positive and more creative. I write out my to do lists, I tidy, set alarms and check out my clothes for the day ahead. All these little things help give me a restful sleep and by extension a good start to Monday morning filled with coffee, brilliant ideas and a strength that is ready to take on anything.
I have a motto in life. Knowing the little things are taken care of makes you ready for all the big things that might strike. It’s not the prettiest or hard hitting of mottos but it’s one that usually steers me well.
it seems no matter how much you prepare there are natural anxieties that are always get in the way. As the quiet of night set in there were those doubting voices.
“What good are you?”
“Who cares anyway?
“You are nowhere near where you hope to be.”
When you are alone in the dark these voices ring really loudly. You can’t sleep for them because they have caused your adrenaline to rush and your heart won’t slow. You can deny all these doubts but they don’t go away because they are your own doubts and you have to believe them, right?
With the result you finally drift off in the small hours resulting in very little sleep and waking the next morning not only feeling miserable, having battled yourself all night but feeling tired.
Everyone faces those self doubts. It is true that we can be our own worst critic. What is most important is how we handle them. Personally, I have had some real self destructive episodes over the years as a result of this. I have also seen loved ones fall foul to it as well. So, now when those niggling voices start to get louder I note to myself three things I am looking forward to doing that day. These don’t have have to be any major events. They can be something simple like taking a walk in the park, or reading a few chapters of a good book or having a chat with a partcular someone.
Knowing the little things are taken care of makes you ready for all the big things that might strike. That is my motto and knowing there are little things to enjoy throughout the day goes a long way to easing the stress.
So I urge you to enjoy the little things. I urge you to ignore those doubts and I hope you all have the best week ahead.
If you have been suffering from anxiety or depression visit mind.org.uk for more information on the support available.
Check out the latest thrillers from Vivika Widow.
As a cult deprogrammer, John Reynolds has brought many a lost soul home. When someone close to him joins the Church of St Wigan, every skill he has ever garnered will be called upon to face its zealous leader.
It’s an interesting question. It’s one that was posed to me the other day and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. There are so many things about the current world we live in that need to change. It’s actually quite difficult to pick out just three of them. There are so many injustices that need to be corrected, so many protections needing to be made for the future and so many great things that go unnoticed or unappreciated. I guess when it really comes down it those are the three key things that I think need to be changed.
I’m not claiming I have all the answers, nor do I have the singular authority to make these changes I pose but if It can at least open up the conversation then that’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it?
Injustices are everywhere we look. I live in Scotland. We are a beautiful country with a wealth of history and breath taking landscapes. We have a terrific National Heath system and a GDP that makes us a comparatively rich country. Despite all that there are still people here who require food banks. Children in our big cities are going hungry and that doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Keeping our children fed should be the very basic of what a country with such standing offers. Don’t get me wrong, the food banks are a terrific thing and they have helped thousand but something has gone wrong along the way if a country like ours needs them. As I said, I’m no politician nor do I have any truly educated understanding of a country’s economy but that, should the option arise, is an injustice I would very much like to correct.
Rather than football rivalries or arguing over whether or not a gay couple should get married can’t we look at why working families should still require help to feed their children? According to Trussel Trust the use of food banks had risen by almost 80% over the past five years (as of 6th January 2020).
This is a huge injustice for me. There are those who would argue that the system is being manipulated and taken advantage of by those who don’t need it and I dare say for some that is true but to change our world we need to consider the most vulnerable people around us.
We’re not going to be around forever and if the rate at which we are destroying this planet is anything to go by the earth won’t be either. There have always been fluctuations in temperatures since time began but the rate at which these changes have occurred in the last hundred years is unprecedented. According to NASA ‘Most of the warming occurred in the past 40 years, with the seven most recent years being the warmest.’
I don’t know about you folks but I really don’t fancy setting up shop on a new planet. I have a real phobia about travelling into space. I would also like to live out my life knowing there is still resources and beauty to pass on to the next generations.
Thankfully, there is a lot of work being done already to help correct this or at least do some damage control. If I could wave a wand and fix this, whether it be through offering more stable solutions, cleaner fuels or bringing all those extinct animals back from the dead I would.
Sure, there are many things in our world that need fixing. We can all do our part. We can donate to food banks or volunteer. We can plant a tree or reduce our own carbon footprint. It does real good to know that there are others who have thought about these things. There are men, women and children across the globe who are already working on their three ways they would change the world. Most of them you wouldn’t hear of. They quietly make their contribution that we will all benefit from. The last way I would change the world Is to make sure their efforts didn’t go unnoticed. To the little kid who takes time out to pick trash up off your street, to the mum who takes care of everyone else’s families as well as her own, to the man who attends climate change conferences to learn and ultimately act, I hear you! We all hear you. Little by little they are changing the world and in our own way we can too.
I am such a person that I spend a lot of my time stuck inside my own head. I’m either focusing on work, relaxing from work, adding some noise to my surroundings or I’m adding some joviality to a situation. Either way all of these instances involve music. I spend a huge part of my day with headphones on. When I’m trying to focus I use music to drown out all else. When I want to take a walk I put on headphones and can ramble for miles. What better way to keep the boredom of a long train journey at bay than by – yes, you guessed it – putting on headphones. With this in mind it gave me cause to think of the part music plays in all our lives.
It’s hard to find someone that doesn’t like music. it’s such a varied thing that there is surely something for everyone. From cheesy pop to death metal and everything in between there is a soundtrack for all kinds of situations. I guess that’s why movies and television shows use soundtracks to really capture the mood of the scene. Have you ever taken a scene and given it a different kind of soundtrack? it really changes the tone of the scene. Music can be beautiful audible poetry. It can also offer such lyrical genius as, “Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof woof.” Or, “let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel.” (Probably showing my age with those examples there but you get the point).
Another thing about music is it can be a great memory trigger. Those carefully constructed notes go a long way to bringing all kinds of images to your head. They can make you remember a person or a place. As you listen along all the other senses are called into action. You can taste it, smell it, feel it. You can see the face of someone you haven’t seen for years as though they are standing right in front of you. For creative writers like myself it’s a great tool for picturing scenes, giving characters their personalities and really locking down what kind of emotion you want a scene to portray. I do this now quite habitually. It was on advice from my fellow writer, great friend and mentor that I do this. He himself is a director and musician so he knows all too well the importance of soundtrack.
The most important thing about music, for me, is how much it lets you explore. Sure you can be stuck on a crowded train into the city but stick on those headphones you can be transported to a memory of a night out with friends. If you’re at the gym and down want to be distracted by how slow the timer on the treadmill is going you stick on those headphones and suddenly you’ve ran your way through three whole songs. If you are hurt, push play on that song and let it guide your emotions. Music is a wonderful thing I can’t even begin to imagine the cold, silent world we would live in without it. So tell me, what does music do for you?
When, cult deprogrammer, John Reynolds, loses someone close to him to the Church of St Wigan, he will stop at nothing to bring them home. He’ll have to call on every skill he has to pull from the clutches of the zealous church leader. A pandering con man is all he has to help him. How far must a man fall before the climb back up becomes too steep. Praise Wigan!
AVAILABLE MAY 14TH
Enjoy this? Check out these other thrillers. Available now. Free to read on Kindle Unlimited.
It doesn’t matter what language, how it is said or who says it it is a word that sends your mind into a chain of thought. Words are influential. It’s easy enough for me to appreciate that being someone for whom words are bread and butter but everyone can be inspired them.
When you’re feeling down and you need to pick yourself up what runs through your head but a sequence of words that make you feel better or inspire you to action? If you turn to someone for help what are you looking for from them but their words? Words are what can make or break a situation. Words, after all, are the tools of communication. They are powerful things. In the wrong hands they can be hurtful at the least, destructive at the most.
Bottle is one of my favourite words. It has lots of connotations. It could mean celebration. it could mean refreshment. It could also have a sinister tone to it. We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘bottling up your feelings.’
Either way it always makes me think of a glass bottle in my hand. My mood at the time determines what this bottle contains but it always gives the illusion of something physical to clasp onto. There’s also the proverbial message in a bottle with all kinds of romantic prospects. There’s the adventure. There’s the fun sound of the cork popping and the glug glug glug as liquid is poured. This is just my own example of a favourite word. I’m sure you have your own. Think of that word right now. What is its meaning? What power does it wield? Good, bad, ugly.
On it’s own, one word can be highly charged. Assemble them carefully into a phrase or sentence and they become downright divine.
Do you get a sense of hopelessness from this? Maybe it can be seen as a new beginning. Personally, I see a struggling alcoholic on a shore taking control of their life. A sea of opportunity lies before them. My point is words paint a picture. When they are thrown around with the intention to hurt they can paint an ugly picture indeed.
This is a tired old platitude we’ve all heard many times but it still holds some merit and perfectly illustrates my point. Bullying and name calling are just one example of this. Words here are intended to hurt quite deeply and they do. What are arguments if not a carefully constructed formation of words intended to destroy an opponent? Words are filled with emotion and should be considered carefully.
I see, almost everyday, instances online where people have made ‘comments’ with intention to hurt, demean or downright attack. Celebrity culture, dirty politics and easy access to everyone you could ever possibly want to comment on allows this. Not only that it promotes it. People don’t seem to be taking responsibility for those words they are firing like a great cannon. For some it’s as though the don’t even care which target the cannon is aimed at. Complete strangers find themselves throwing in those words deliberately to stir a reaction. Maybe it’s because we’ve had very little face to face contact over the past year and it’s making people bolder with their words but in a world where everyone’s opinion should be valued we need to take some responsibility for the words we use to voice that opinion.
I’m going to finish with this phrase because whilst overuse can reduce it’s value it is always nice to hear. It’s always nice to see the look in someone’s eyes when you tell them. Each word has it’s own significance. I – me, myself, my own declaration. Love – one of the strongest emotions experienced as a human being, far surpassing anger or hate. You – this declaration is for you and you alone. I love many things but on this occasion I want you to know. I LOVE YOU.
It’s a nice phrase isn’t it. I’m not much of a romantic soul but I do appreciate the power of words. So what is your word that inspires? If you haven’t thought of one maybe now would be the time to think about it.
The past year has brought challenges for all of us, some challenges we never expected to face in our life time. One of my biggest challenges was being separated from my niece and nephews for such a long time. Normally where I would see them almost every week I became nothing but a pixelated face on a screen. It is tough, I don’t mind telling you. The use of modern technology is great and all but nothing can quite replace human contact.
This got me thinking about society in general. As we become such a distant bunch (global pandemic not withstanding) is the art of intimacy becoming a thing of the past? I call it an art because it really is an art form when you think about it. You need the right approach. You need the right mind set. Like a lot of other art though is it becoming far more digitalised? People are more comfortable sending a text message than chatting on the phone (admittedly myself included).
But then this crazy train we called life pulls into an unexpected platform and the option of physical contact is taking away from us. That’s when we miss it the most. That’s when we crave more than just a text message. Video chats give you the essence of speaking to another person but it is all virtual reality at the end of the day. We need that social contact no matter how introverted you may be.
What I have taken from this experience is that no matter how much we distance ourselves from human contact, when ironically it’s never been easier to connect with fellow human beings, we are all animals at heart. We need our loved ones around us, no matter who that is to us. After a long year of lock down in Scotland I know I will be wanting to hug my little babies.
Recently I’ve found a hobby of the ‘Am I the asshole?’ subreddit. If you’re not familiar it’s where people put scenarios they’ve found themselves in and they ask the internet whether they are the asshole or not for whatever it is they’ve done. We all know how much of a forgiving place internet forum comment sections can be but there are those rare gems that actually offer some real insight. That’s not the reason I’m addicted to it though. The addiction comes from getting the popcorn and reading the mightier than thou responses.
Either way it got me thinking of some scenarios in my own life where I may have been the asshole and not realised it. One particular event in mind happened some time back. Someone mentioned his disapproval of James Bond being played by a black woman to me. I explained that 007 was a codename anyway and it didn’t really matter all that much how the character was portrayed as long as the writing was good and the actor fulfilled their role. Sounds reasonable, right? Where I might be the asshole was how I responded. I was already in a foul mood about something else (what that is is irrelevant) and so I snapped. I had no patience for listening to what was no doubt going to be a racist, misogynistic argument against ‘ruining the classics.’ This person had never watched or read anything James Bond so their opinion either way was kind of moot.
So there you have it. I felt I was just making my point. Internet strangers may say I was nipping someone’s head off when they were just offering an opinion.
So what do you think, folks? Was I the asshole? Do you have any instances you would like to put to the court of public internet forum opinion?
“You cannot be saved!”
Cult deprogrammer is on his way to Hathfield Bay to extract a loved one from the Church of St Wigan.
We all have those little things that make us anxious, right? From a little bit of the old butterflies in the stomach right up to shaking fear. In biology terms it’s called the ‘flight or fight’ response and it’s seen across the entire animal kingdom. Let’s take a moment and consider the human condition. Some people are a little socially anxious. Some people have irrational fears of tomatoes. Some folks live their lives with a constant dread hanging over them. If you’re one of those latter I am truly sorry for that and I hope by reading these words you can find some comfort.
Facing your fears is the only way to get over them. This is a platitude we will all be familiar with. It’s no modern advice. I’m not saying it isn’t good advice. Sometimes what it takes is to step up, look that fear in the eye and say, “I’m not going to let you hold me back any longer.”
Some folks need to put themselves out there and trust that our fellow humans are more welcoming than assumed. Some folks need to put a traumatic past behind them. Some folks need to just hold that tomato and know that it’s not going to eat them. Either way facing up to it is key. You might be thinking , that’s easier to say than it is to practice. Fears are fears for a reason, no matter what you’re afraid of.
The first thing you need to ask yourself is whether or not you are done with the fear holding you back. It’s up to you to say you no longer accepting it. Take the risk, be bold, don’t hold yourself back because of the anxiety. I know from experience that that anxiety is lying to you. It would have you believe that you are safer being a little bit less of yourself which is never true. It would convince you that what you have to contribute to the world isn’t good enough. This is also a lie.
I’m no expert. I’m no therapist and I have sure faced things in my life that made me afraid. How I see it though is if we open up the discussions on what makes us afraid and really remove the stigma of anxiety we can all stop putting so much pressure on ourselves.
I am absolutely terrified of clowns for what it’s worth. This wasn’t helped by my older brothers telling me as a youngster that clowns were hiding in my room. Then again Stephen King’s IT is one of my favourites so I’m a complicated creature! Each time I have to speak publicly I’m always at least a little nervous. When I’m waiting on feedback on stories I can be a wreck. We all have our shortcomings but let’s face those fears together. Let’s say we’re no longer going to let them consume them no matter how large or small they are.
Enjoy this? Check out these thrillers. Available now: