Awareness of depression is on the rise. You only have to open up social media and you’ll find hundreds of mental health advocates. Since awareness is on the rise it is being recognised more and thankfully we can open up the conversation about it. But there are still parts of the illness that people don’t seem to consider or at least they don’t talk about it as much. Consider for a moment the toll it takes on those who love the sufferer.
There is of course plenty of useful advice on how to care for a sufferer of depression and how to help them through it. Helpguide.org suggest being a compassionate listener. It also suggests encouraging the sufferer to seek help but what it doesn’t do is address just how mentally and emotionally exhausting it can be to watch someone you love battle depression. I’m not for a minute belittling the experience of the sufferer but I do feel the experience of those closest to them isn’t taken into account as much as it should. It is indeed a battle they are fighting – be it a parent, sibling, friend or lover – and it is a battle you cannot join them in no matter how much you would like to. True clinical depression is such that there is nothing you can say or do that will cheer them up. It is more than feeling a little melancholy. It is incredibly painful to see them stuck in their misery like a prison when all you can do is encourage them to seek help. I am so glad that there is more help springing up daily because with the fast pace of the modern world and an increasing detachment from from the human touch means it is needed more than ever. It means suggested a depressed loved one seeks help is getting easier to do.
What happens when it becomes even more severe? I those reading this have never had someone you love tell you that the can’t see any future for themselves and they want to take their own life. Suicide is a very real risk for depression sufferers but losing someone close to it, knowing there was nothing all of your love and support couldn’t pull them back? A sentence in it’s own way.
Helpguide.org suggests like airline staff advise ‘put on your own oxygen mask before helping others’. You can’t be available 24/7 and giving all of yourself will only make your own mental health suffer.
You want to help. You want to pull them through but sometimes you’re only left with platitudes like, “look on the bright side,” or “we all get a little depressed sometimes.” These are no good, probably more harmful really, but when a loved one is on the edge of life and seeing nothing but darkness you’ll try anything.
There will be support out there for carers. There certainly is advice on how to handle it. Truthfully I have only just begun to scratch the surface but I thought it may be helpful to some out there to open up the discussion. Whether we care to admit it or not taking care of someone close through depression is frustrating and it can make you angry with them. You know they can’t help it but you have your own emotional responses to deal with.
Rather than get angry, make yourself sick with worry or worse give up on them I would like to see more support for depression carers. Depression – as difficult as it is – doesn’t just affect the sufferer alone.
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The room was small but clean. The carpet was thick under foot and the smell of various cleaning products filled the air. Sally had never lived on her own before so to her it was the smell of progress. It was the smell of a new life. She hadn’t met her new room mate yet but the student housing officer assured her they would be joining her the following day.
‘I wonder what she’s like?’ thought Sally to herself. ‘If we have to share this room then I hope we get along.’
Her phone jingled in her pocket. She pulled it out and on the screen was the smiling face of her long time boyfriend Brad. She opened his message and smiled warmly.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT FIRST DAY.
Where Sally had come to Filton University to study English Literature, Brad had gone to art college in the city.
“It’s only a bus ride away,” he had said. Nothing had to change between them.
She smiled as she began to type a message back. As she looked at her new surroundings a panel on the wall caught her eye. It was a lighter shade than the others. She put the phone back inside her pocket with her message unfinished.
She gave a tug and the panel clicked. She pulled it away. A few of the previous occupants of the room had stored miscellaneous items in there. Most of them were student treasures like packets of condoms and empty beer bottles but someone had stored a pen drive. It was a simple, silver device that gave no indication of the information it contained.
She removed the drive, leaving the other items behind.
‘I wonder who this belongs to?’ she mused.
She figured it would be old assignments that were no longer needed but she wanted to check and make sure. There could be photos on it. Some people were quite sentimental about those kinds of things. They may appreciate them back.
Forgetting the message she had started to Brad she pulled her lap top from the red back pack she had dropped on the bed she was claiming as her own. She plugged the drive in. She patiently waited on the start up screen to finish loading. Her desk top flashed with a picture of her and Brad’s smiling faces on a recent visit to the beach. Brad’s round nose and cheeks were red from the sun. Sally’s smile was warm and wide.
She opened the drive folder. There was only one file. It was a video file. Sally’s first reaction was to just delete it. The room had been unoccupied all summer. If someone really wanted it back they would have come to retrieve it by then. She couldn’t delete the file though. If curiosity killed the cat it certainly wreaked havoc with the human. She clicked on the video. The video player opened.
A young man of similar age to Sally appeared on screen. His greasy black hair had fallen in front of his eyes and he was smiling shyly.
“Say cheese!” another male voice teased from behind the camera.
The dark haired boy raised his grey eyes to the camera and his smile widened. The camera turned and the owner looked directly into the lens. He had a longer, slimmer face. His hair was fair and a growth of stubble had gathered on his chin.
“He’s a shy one,” he said and gave an over exaggerated smile.
The camera leapt as it was set down facing a bed. The room was bare. It was one of the university residence rooms but not the same one Sally stood in. She was going switch it off but then the two young men fell onto the bed together. Sally giggled. The dark haired student rolled onto his back. The fair haired one -the more confident of the two – stroked his face. He leaned over and kissed him. The dark haired one pulled him closer and his hands ran up the faired haired young man’s back, pushing the mustard coloured tee shirt he wore up.
“Oh dear!” Sally exclaimed with another giggle. She reached over to the computer to switch the video off before things between the two men went any further but the video cut to the dark haired student on his own. Sally would still have switched it off but for the horrified look on the young man’s face. He was crying. This time he was in the same room she stood in.
“My name is Dorian McElroy,” he said. His grey eyes stared directly at the camera without flinching. “I did a terrible thing,” he continued. “I don’t know who will see this or if anyone will but I have to tell someone or something…”
He sighed. His voice cracked. He cleared his throat.
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I don’t know what I was thinking. Mum, if you are watching. I love you and I am sorry but I couldn’t take it any more.”
Some one came into the room. Dorian gave a quick glance behind him before switching off the camera.
Sally took a deep breath. What had began as an intimate moment had changed direction really quickly. Her heart stung for Dorian. He called out for his mother and this made Sally feel even more distraught for him. She wiped the tear that had formed in the corner of her eye.
***
“Dorian McElroy had your room last year,” the student housing officer explained.
Carol was a full figured woman who could barely fit on the swivel chair she sat upon.
“Sadly he took his own life,” she added in a more sombre tone. “You say you found belongings of his? I can have them sent to his mother,” she offered.
Sally thought about it. She thought of handing in the short video but she wanted to hold onto it a little longer.
“It was just some old notes. It’s nothing worth sending I don’t think,” Sally dismissed.
“Do you want to move rooms?” Carol asked. Her fingers poised over the keyboard of her desk top computer, ready to produce the necessary paperwork.
“No, it’s fine,” replied Sally.
She decided she wanted to get to know Dorian a little better. Staying in the room where he had lived, worked and died would bring him closer to her.
ed the air. Sally had never lived on her own before so to her it was the smell of progress. It was the smell of a new life. She hadn’t met her new room mate yet but the student housing officer assured her they would be joining her the following day.
‘I wonder what she’s like?’ thought Sally to herself. ‘If we have to share this room then I hope we get along.’
Her phone jingled in her pocket. She pulled it out and on the screen was the smiling face of her long time boyfriend Brad. She opened his message and smiled warmly.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT FIRST DAY.
Where Sally had come to Filton University to study English Literature, Brad had gone to art college in the city.
“It’s only a bus ride away,” he had said. Nothing had to change between them.
She smiled as she began to type a message back. As she looked at her new surroundings a panel on the wall caught her eye. It was a lighter shade than the others. She put the phone back inside her pocket with her message unfinished.
She gave a tug and the panel clicked. She pulled it away. A few of the previous occupants of the room had stored miscellaneous items in there. Most of them were student treasures like packets of condoms and empty beer bottles but someone had stored a pen drive. It was a simple, silver device that gave no indication of the information it contained.
She removed the drive, leaving the other items behind.
‘I wonder who this belongs to?’ she mused.
She figured it would be old assignments that were no longer needed but she wanted to check and make sure. There could be photos on it. Some people were quite sentimental about those kinds of things. They may appreciate them back.
Forgetting the message she had started to Brad she pulled her lap top from the red back pack she had dropped on the bed she was claiming as her own. She plugged the drive in. She patiently waited on the start up screen to finish loading. Her desk top flashed with a picture of her and Brad’s smiling faces on a recent visit to the beach. Brad’s round nose and cheeks were red from the sun. Sally’s smile was warm and wide.
She opened the drive folder. There was only one file. It was a video file. Sally’s first reaction was to just delete it. The room had been unoccupied all summer. If someone really wanted it back they would have come to retrieve it by then. She couldn’t delete the file though. If curiosity killed the cat it certainly wreaked havoc with the human. She clicked on the video. The video player opened.
A young man of similar age to Sally appeared on screen. His greasy black hair had fallen in front of his eyes and he was smiling shyly.
“Say cheese!” another male voice teased from behind the camera.
The dark haired boy raised his grey eyes to the camera and his smile widened. The camera turned and the owner looked directly into the lens. He had a longer, slimmer face. His hair was fair and a growth of stubble had gathered on his chin.
“He’s a shy one,” he said and gave an over exaggerated smile.
The camera leapt as it was set down facing a bed. The room was bare. It was one of the university residence rooms but not the same one Sally stood in. She was going switch it off but then the two young men fell onto the bed together. Sally giggled. The dark haired student rolled onto his back. The fair haired one -the more confident of the two – stroked his face. He leaned over and kissed him. The dark haired one pulled him closer and his hands ran up the faired haired young man’s back, pushing the mustard coloured tee shirt he wore up.
“Oh dear!” Sally exclaimed with another giggle. She reached over to the computer to switch the video off before things between the two men went any further but the video cut to the dark haired student on his own. Sally would still have switched it off but for the horrified look on the young man’s face. He was crying. This time he was in the same room she stood in.
“My name is Dorian McElroy,” he said. His grey eyes stared directly at the camera without flinching. “I did a terrible thing,” he continued. “I don’t know who will see this or if anyone will but I have to tell someone or something…”
He sighed. His voice cracked. He cleared his throat.
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I don’t know what I was thinking. Mum, if you are watching. I love you and I am sorry but I couldn’t take it any more.”
Some one came into the room. Dorian gave a quick glance behind him before switching off the camera.
Sally took a deep breath. What had began as an intimate moment had changed direction really quickly. Her heart stung for Dorian. He called out for his mother and this made Sally feel even more distraught for him. She wiped the tear that had formed in the corner of her eye.
***
“Dorian McElroy had your room last year,” the student housing officer explained.
Carol was a full figured woman who could barely fit on the swivel chair she sat upon.
“Sadly he took his own life,” she added in a more sombre tone. “You say you found belongings of his? I can have them sent to his mother,” she offered.
Sally thought about it. She thought of handing in the short video but she wanted to hold onto it a little longer.
“It was just some old notes. It’s nothing worth sending I don’t think,” Sally dismissed.
“Do you want to move rooms?” Carol asked. Her fingers poised over the keyboard of her desk top computer, ready to produce the necessary paperwork.
“No, it’s fine,” replied Sally.
She decided she wanted to get to know Dorian a little better. Staying in the room where he had lived, worked and died would bring him closer to her.
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